"What do you mean, no?" Poppy asked him. She was truly shocked by his answer it seemed. Well, she wasn't the only one he imagined. No doubt people thought he'd just go on about his life the same as it always was.

No. He was not going to do that. He would not return to the scene of the crime as it were.

This wasn't her first home visit to look after him. She'd agreed to visit him at home when he'd wanted out of St. Mungo's and they wouldn't release him without medical care. She'd come every day at first, but was now down to once a week. Evidently he had an excellent constitution which aided him in healing even Nagini's damage swiftly.

Scarring would be there and visible, but he was alive.

"I know you know the definition of the word," he said.

"Yes, but what will you do?"

Ah, proof she thought like others did probably that he needed Hogwarts and had nothing else to do other than be stuck there for the rest of his days. No! He would not do that. Geta and Ambrosius would not die in vain. He would not snub his nose on this chance on life he had been given.

"Not be a professor any longer, that's for certain. I never truly wanted to be one to begin with nor was I particularly good at it. You can't truly be that shocked, Poppy."

"But all the charges were…"

"It has nothing to do with the charges. It has to do with my entire life being tied up with Hogwarts and Voldemort and Potters and Britain. I'm ready to be my own man."

"Severus, Minerva wants you back."

"Well and good. Minerva knows the meaning of the word no as well and will not get what she wants in this instance. Sending you in her steed won't convince me either. I do not want to go back. My answer is no. Tell the headmistress she will need to find a new potions professor and stooge. The war hero and successful spy will not be gracing the halls of the castle."

"What of…"

"None of your business," he hissed, cutting her off.

He knew what she was going to say. Who she was going to ask about. Hermione. It was none of her damned business.

"Severus. She sat with you for weeks."

"Yes, I was fully aware of her presence at my sickbed. Well, for most of it anyway. I am not a dunderhead. I do not wish to be a burden or a chore. She needs to figure some things out, too. She deserves better than being shackled with someone because some unknown force marked her for me."

"But Severus, you obviously care for one another. I know nothing happened between you while she was a student. She's not a student any longer! She's your soulmate."

"It's not enough. She's known nothing but war. While I can admit that I abhour the idea of her with Weasley, or any other wizard, she needs to do that. I will not ruin her!"

The healer's lips thinned and she got an unhappy look in her eye that he recognized. She was not pleased with this path he was taking. She thought he was a fool. No doubt he was and he would regret this decision later when he read about her engagement in the paper.

It could be him. He suspected that she would be willing.

He would not do that!

He'd just gotten out of over two decades of endenturement, he was not going to jump right into a relationship with someone who in truth didn't know him any better than he knew her. Yes, he considered her a friend. He'd been honest with her about things he'd never told anyone else. However, they'd never had an actual conversation, face to face. Her sitting by his bed, reading and talking about various current events for weeks did not constitute actual conversations. At least not to his mind.

"I'll know when - if - she's ready."

"If you don't wait too long," the healer said, clearly not approving of this path.

"Enough!" It was a possibility, of course. Not one he cared to think about because it would be his own fault. He couldn't expect her to wait forever. She was a young, attractive, intelligent witch who was a war hero. She would be sought after and pursued.

The healer took her leave eventually when she was done running diagnostics and ensuring he was recovering as expected. She glanced back at him from his fireplace before leaving with a shake of her head after she gathered her things together.

"You deserve happiness, Severus."

He snorted, but said nothing. She was right, he did. Not at another's expense, though.

He walked to the fireplace then, trailing the tip of his finger along the urn that held Geta's remains.

"She just doesn't understand," he murmured. "You would. Am I being a fool?"

He shrugged.

No one was there to answer, of course.

There was a chance he was acting a fool. There was a part of him, deep inside of him, that told him to take what was his. She'd been marked for him. That was obviously intentional and clearly not a mistake. She was his. She was meant to be his.

He would not do that, though. He couldn't. She was eighteen. Yes, people married and started families right out of Hogwarts all of the time. Those people were not Hermione Granger and their partner, their soulmate, was not someone nineteen years older who happened to be a former Death Eater and persona non grata to many even today. No charges, exonerated or not, he knew people would still be suspicious of him. She deserved to make her mark in this world without the stigma of not just being his witch but his soulmate.

Are you okay?

He sighed softly. The familiarity of her in his mind was welcome. The year or so he'd had to occlude so severely as to keep her out he'd felt … incomplete. For years she'd been there, subtle but there.

He'd told her he was doing it in advance. He wasn't that much of a prick as to just sever their connection without telling her. She understood. Too much was at stake on both their parts to risk anything.

She, foolishly, hadn't even contacted him when she'd been captured despite his telling her she could if her life depended on it. She'd told him later that she'd been too focused on keeping Bellatrix from finding out anything to think about contacting him. Understandable, but he still hadn't been pleased.

Poppy is displeased that I'm not returning to my former position. Any of them.

I imagine she thinks Hogwarts without you will be odd.

I admit life away from Hogwarts will be precisely that.

He had gone to Germany (unbeknownst to anyone) and raided Geta's vault, giving him enough muggle and wizarding money to travel a bit and get started wherever he landed. He wasn't sure where that would be, just that it wasn't going to be here.

Are you a little excited?

I admit, I am. I never thought there would be an after the war for me.

Any idea where you'll go?

No. We both need time, Hermione. Take it.

What are you saying?

I'm telling you to live your life for a while. Do not use me as a crutch, a reason to not extend yourself to others. You have a whole new world open to you. Find your place.

Without you? That's what you're saying, isn't it?

For now. You know why it has to be this way.

Silence.

You need to heal. As do I. As does the entire magical world. That takes time. I will not have it said that anything unseemly happened between us.

I would never let anyone think that.

You cannot control what people think, Hermione. Healing isn't going to happen overnight for either of us.

So, time?

Yes. Can you see why I do not want to leave one commitment and jump into another? Potential to be more pleasant aside, going back to our long ago discussion of having magical children that led to a dose of the silent treatment for me. I would do you no good right now. I am not at peace with myself. That is not the way to start … anything. You deserve better than that.

I understand.

That is not to say I will be closed off to you any longer. Those days are done, but …

It's not a good habit to be in if we're trying to find ourselves.

Thank you for seeing reason. This is not a reflection on you. At all. If the past twenty years had not been what they were I'd be in a very different frame of mind on this subject.

You would?

You can be assured of that, yes.

Are you really leaving Britain?

I think so. For now. He shrugged, not that she'd see it. I may return. I may not. I really don't know. For someone like me who has had no choice in things for a good many years it's a rather freeing and incredible feeling to have an option.

Can I do anything?

Just continue to be you. Insufferable know it all and all.

She laughed at that, which he was pleased to hear.

Are you okay? he asked, realizing he did not, in fact, know how she was doing since he returned home. She hadn't pestered him to visit, appreciatively. He had no desire to allow her to see his home. He would close it up before leaving versus selling it so maybe one day he'd return and he'd invite her to visit.

I am. I'm still staying with Harry.

NEWTs?

Sat last week.

Good. I look forward to seeing what you can do without a war.

Me, too.

Silence.

So, is this goodbye?

I think for now it has to be.

Okay then. Be well, Severus. I really hope that you find what you're looking for.

She was gone from his mind then. He could feel her withdrawal. He stared at his left arm and the faded Dark Mark there, resting against the fireplace mantel. He hoped doing what he'd just done wasn't the biggest mistake of his life.

Story ©Susan Falk/APCKRFAN/PhantomRoses.com