Snape took a bottle of fire whiskey sans glass out to the Black Lake after his meeting with Albus.

No one said this journey he embarked on long ago now would be an easy one. He knew that. He wasn't a particularly good man, then or now. He knew that, too. His reasons for going to Albus in the first place were selfish. He didn't care about the rest of the world when it got down to it. Truthfully, he hadn't even cared about James or Harry Potter. Yet here he was over fifteen years later. Lily was gone and her son was doing everything he could to get himself and his friends killed before a confrontation with the Dark Lord could even occur.

Killing his only friend though?

Who could be expected to do that?

Who in their right mind would ask it of him?

Surely Albus could do it himself at the right time. There were muggle poisons Severus could get for him. Why had the foolish man put the ring on to begin with? Severus shook his head, not knowing the answer because after all this time he still didn't truly know how Albus Dumbledore's mind worked. He doubted anyone ever had or would.

And really, who was he to question anyone doing anything? He was the one with the Dark Mark on his arm after all. He was the one who'd fallen for the Dark Lord's rhetoric, allowed himself to be taken in, tempted, enticed.

It was dark as he knelt by the edge of the lake. He cast a lumos so that he could look at his reflection in the still water. The Giant Squid was quiet tonight. Everything was for that matter, as if sensing his need for that at the moment.

Did he not matter?

Did his soul not matter?

Was he so tarnished, so far gone to the Dark that such a request was made so casually?

The Dark Arts had always been of interest to him, he doubted that would change even now. The only way to learn, to prevent another Dark Lord from rising, was to have the knowledge on how to circumvent such a thing from happening again. While they no longer tempted him, making him believe his life would be easier he was still glad of the knowledge he had and knew the interest in learning would always be there. Further proof he was not a good man. If he was a good man the want for that knowledge wouldn't be there. Would it?

"Damn him," Severus muttered.

He raked his fingers through his hair after taking a sip of the fire whiskey.

"Damn him!"

Until today, until that moment, he'd believed himself not to be alone. He was a solitary man, he knew that. In truth, he didn't mind it so much. People couldn't disappoint if he didn't allow them in. Since his friendship with Lily had been ruined he'd allowed no one else in. Yes, he had been at fault, but years later he couldn't understand why if she'd been a true friend she hadn't been able to forgive him. Even if things changed between them as a result, at least acknowledgement that she knew he didn't see her as mattering less than himself or Lucius Malfoy would have been something. Well, since then, he'd been alone. He had acquaintances, but no one he trusted. At least not completely. He refused to let anyone get close enough again. Not even Lucius, despite what the other man might think. He couldn't be let down or hurt at any rate.

As it turned out, he'd been right.

"Good to know the little shit Draco Malfoy's soul matters but mine does not," he muttered, taking another sip from the bottle.

He sat down, running his left hand through his hair. Bringing his hand down, he stared at it in the starlit night. He set the bottle down as he grazed his left ring finger with his right thumb. Certainly he wouldn't have a soul mark to set off against Miss Granger's if his soul was so far gone.

Would he?

Would the Fates pair someone so good and pure with someone so foul as to have chunks of his soul missing? She was born with the mark (as he had been), which meant the Fates had chosen her for him not long after he left Hogwarts when he was already doing cruel, despicable things, presuming her mum got pregnant with her shortly before Christmas 1978.

Before he'd heard the prophecy.

Before he'd gone to Dumbledore.

Before Lily had been murdered.

Before he'd realized there was more than Lily's life at stake here (and that had taken him a while as ashamed of that fact as he was today).

Before...

He hoped not.

Whether he planned on making it through the war or not he couldn't see them doing that to her. He didn't care about himself. He knew he didn't deserve anyone like her. He didn't deserve to contemplate a life with his soulmate.

He remembered her first night in Hogwarts infirmary after the battle at the Department of Mysteries. Poppy had been seeing after other students while Severus tried to ascertain a course of treatment for her with potions. He was the dark curses expert after all so it fell to him. He couldn't even remember why he'd reached for her hand. There'd been no need to as her wounds weren't anywhere near it.

The Fates giving him a push?

Who knew. His place was not to question such things.

He had evidently, though, because he remembered vividly the glow of their matching marks. He'd known his was there for as long as he could remember, as she likely did, too. She just wouldn't know what it was, or that no one but Severus would be able to see it until they'd accepted the bond.

He knew that would never happen even if he survived the war, so he'd put that possibility out of his mind almost immediately. Both times he'd gotten close to her hand with his it had glowed so brightly. He wondered what touching them together would do. What would it be like to have one person? To know she'd essentially been hand-picked for him? He knew how rare it was. It was the thing young witches dreamt of yet few bore a soul mark. So rare, they were no longer believed in much like muggle fairy tales.

Tonight his mind seemed to have other ideas than forgetting about the mark and potential bond he shared with Miss Granger.

Whether or not he wanted to accept their bond, she had still been given to him. Somehow around the time the woman he thought he'd loved married the man Severus loathed with a passion, his soulmate had been born.

Was there a purpose behind that timing? Had the Fates known what would happen, what was to pass, and selected this witch for him knowing she would bring him hope at a time he'd long ago given up on ever experiencing that?

Hope.

He had to admit of all the women he'd come across through the years Miss Granger was the only one he could think of who rivalled his intellect and desire for knowledge. Could she be a tool he used to help save what was left of his soul? But how?

Soul marks were rare. So rare they were considered to be made up stories, passed down to children to give them hope. Of what exactly he wasn't sure since most pureblood marriages were basically arranged. Severus couldn't recall knowing anyone who'd admitted to having a soul mark let alone finding their mate. Of course, someone with a soul mark not married to their soulmate likely wouldn't admit to having one. He could see how that would throw a wrench in having a happy marriage. "Oh, by the way, I have a mark that implies someone other than you would not just make me happy but complete me in mind and soul." Yeah, that wouldn't go over well.

Another sip of the fire whiskey coated his throat as he pondered this.

Could their connection even if unaccepted aid him? Her?

There were no books for him to research this subject that he knew about. Perhaps in the Restricted Section, but he would have spotted them by now.

His mind continued to work as the bottle of fire whiskey became emptier. Somehow as he thought and drank the time turner he'd created years ago came to be in the palm of his hand. He hadn't called it that he could remember, but it was there.

And with it an idea started to form.

He had no desire to accept the bond. He wouldn't do that to her, knowing he'd likely die soon. If he could somehow arrange for her to not believe the worst of him when the time came he may have a chance to remain sane to the end. To die knowing someone knew he wasn't evil and had been working for Albus and the Light, the Order, all along. Surely that was an acceptable thing to desire from this mark he'd been given.

How to go about doing that, though? As her Potions, and now Defense Against the Dark Arts, professor he had to be harsh with her. If she'd not befriended Mister Potter maybe things could have been different, but he could not appear soft on anyone who was associated with The Boy Who Lived. Even though she wasn't a Slytherin he liked to think he'd have encouraged her to some extent. It wasn't his fault she'd made foolish choices in friends. She hadn't really chosen, though, Quirrell essentially had caused the friendship to bloom into what it was today.

He snorted at that.

How ironic.

The Dark Lord unwittingly gave Potter the brain he needed to win because there was no doubt without Hermione Granger, Potter would have been dead first year.

As the fire whiskey was almost depleted a plan began to form. If he went back in time, visited her, placed himself in her life in a positive light here and there, she'd come to trust him. He couldn't have her remembering these visits until he was ready, until it was needed. It may never be needed for all he knew. He couldn't have her coming to Hogwarts, though, recognizing him. That would cause problems, questions, and he couldn't have that this far into the game.

"That settles it then," he murmured to the Black Lake. He wasn't exactly sure what had been settled, but he headed back to his chambers for the night determined to think on how to go about executing his plan without anyone, including Miss Granger, being the wiser.

The next day after a hangover potion and more than a bit of a lie-in he'd thought through his plan. He really had no idea how to go about getting her to view him as someone trustworthy. He'd never cared whether he appeared to be that to anyone before. He wasn't even sure he truly did now, but knew he needed something to cling to so that Albus didn't ruin him completely before it was his time to leave this mortal coil. Counting on dying when this war was over and knowing without a doubt he was going to were not the same thing after all. There was always a chance, he supposed.

It was important to him, though, that someone other than Albus knew.

Knew everything.

Knew that despite what Albus believed his love for Lily Potter nee Evans was not a romantic, life-altering, until he dies thing.

Yes, he loved his friend, deeply, and at one time despite knowing she was not his soulmate had romantic notions about her.

Albus had distorted it over the years into something that it just wasn't. Severus hadn't the heart to change the old wizard's view on the subject, afraid if he did he'd start to question Severus' loyalties. He'd long ago come to terms with the fact that Lily had not been his witch and as much as he may have wanted to at one time he couldn't force her (or him for her) into being that.

It was early yet, too late for dinner in the Great Hall but that wasn't anything new during the summer months. The other staff members who remained at Hogwarts during summers were used to him keeping to himself the majority of the time.

He looked at the time turner again, palming it in his hand without touching the trigger. It was a two-fold trigger, not only did he have to find and touch the groove that only he could see but he had to consciously be thinking about where and when he wanted to travel. A fail safe so if it ever fell into the wrong hands they wouldn't get whisked away inadvertently. Still, he was always careful when handling it.

"Where to even start?" he mused, regarding the medallion.

"May as well start at the beginning, I suppose," he said. "If it was good enough for that nun in The Sound of Music it has to be good enough for me."

He rolled his eyes at his memory of the muggle moving picture his mother had dragged him to as a young boy. He'd hated it at the time, but he knew now she'd used what little spending money his father gave her to take him to that picture show. Now, as an adult with his mum having passed long ago, it was a memory he cherished.

He went to his desk to grab her file. All professors had a dossier about their students. He'd never paid hers much attention. She was of no consequence to him beyond being one of the youngest Potter's partners in crime. Until recently anyway.

There, the name and address of the hospital she was born in.

He'd start there and then decide whether to scrap this plan afterward.

Story ©Susan Matthews/APCKRFAN/PhantomRoses.com