She couldn't do it. She couldn't just walk away. She truly believed that she said what needed to be said, but that didn't mean she had to walk away and leave as if she believed she was guilty of something.

Other than wanting to help someone she was pretty sure just didn't want to be helped. They did make progress the months she was his healer, though. No, he still wasn't reading or doing things, but he did do more than he'd done when she first got there. She could tell that he got some enjoyment out of watching old movies and TV shows with her. He had done work in his garden and yard when she wasn't there. Not a lot, but enough that it showed he had to care a little bit. He had to want something.

Didn't he? He had given up, but not completely. He ate. She didn't force him to eat. She didn't hold the fork and spoon to ensure he swallowed the food she cooked. He did that without her interference. So that pointed to someone who didn't truly want to stop being here. Didn't it?

"All right, Crooks," Hermione murmured. 

She slid the earphones out of her ears and set them and her CD player on her nightstand.

"I'm not going to let him get rid of me that easily. Hermione Granger is not a quitter! We were making progress."

"Meow," was his only response.

She stood from her bed then, grabbing the leather bag that had taken the place of her beaded bag about a year ago. It had taken her that long to be able to go through everything she had in it. Some of it was more than just a little painful to think about, knowing it was all that she had left of her childhood. Of her parents. Some things she left in the beaded bag, just because they didn't need to go everywhere with her. She never went anywhere without the leather one, though. Maybe one day she'd get to the point where she didn't think it was necessary.

Crooks was gone now, evidently tired of her crying jag. Who could blame him? She wasn't prone to them, so it was an unusual occurrence. Something he wasn't used to. Still, it would have been nice if he stuck around. She could have asked him if she should really go over there.

Was this stupid? Would he hex her? Kill her? The first two answers were definite maybes. The last one, no. He wouldn't kill her.

She apparated from her bedroom to his backyard once she washed her face and ascertained that she still looked remotely presentable. She wasn't going to throw herself at him. She had some pride, but she didn't want to look as if she'd spent the last hour crying either. She was going to apologize. She didn't want to never see him again. If this - whatever this was between them - was all she got. Well, she'd be okay with that. She liked talking with him.

Maybe he'd even forget she said she loved him.

Unlikely. She didn't get the impression he forgot much.

She sighed at that thought. Was his friendship worth him … ridiculing her for being so stupid as to fall in love with him?

The fact that she pushed open the backdoor that led to the kitchen after unlocking it gave her her answer. Yes, his friendship would be worth the humiliation. All thoughts of how she was feeling left her mind when she saw the kitchen, gasping at the scene there.

It was a disaster. To put it mildly.

Broken dishes, the tablecloth was off the table and the table was on its side, food and liquids on cabinets as well as the walls and floor. She glanced at the ceiling. Nothing there that she could see. When had he done this? She'd been gone for a few hours. Did he really just leave it like this?

"Severus?" she called.

No response. Not that she was surprised.

"Severus," she said softly as she stepped over the destruction in the kitchen and walked to the living room.

Empty.

That was a little unusual given the time of day. He wasn't a lazy man by nature. He'd fought her at first when she'd encouraged him to rest after their morning exercises before lunch.

The basement door was shut and the lock on this side was thrown, which meant he wasn't down there.

"Severus," she said, making her way upstairs.

She knocked lightly on his bedroom door, turning the knob. The other doors, including the one leading to the bathroom, were open so that only left this room. "Severus. I know you're angry with me, but really. Answer me."

She pushed the door open. It was worth getting yelled at. He'd have to listen to her apology at least.

"Severus, please," she said, her eyes scanning the room. 

She saw him immediately on his bed, dressed and looking … nice. As if he'd put effort into it. His hands folded over his midsection as she'd seen more than a few bodies posed in at funerals. And Crooks curled up against him as if he belonged here.

She did a double take at that.

Crookshanks?

How had he gotten here?

More importantly, was Severus dead?

Her gaze rested on the two vials on his dresser. She rushed to it, picking up the empty one. She knew what the other one was, as there was still most of the vial left. This one, though. She brought it to her nose, removing the stopper, and taking a sniff. She winced as the odor hit her, and she set the vial down quickly.

"What did you do, you daft man?"

She spun around quickly, going to his bed. She searched for a pulse on his wrist and then his neck. It took her a few seconds to find it. It was faint, but it was there. She exhaled a sharp breath in relief. She wasn't too late. Was this why she'd gotten the feeling she needed to come apologize to him?

"What was the Felix Felicis for? To ensure the other drought worked?" she muttered.

She whispered something about foolish wizards who knew how to concoct their own deadly potions. She could have investigated his basement lab every day and not know what exactly she was looking for. She was sure that he could combine any number of ingredients and herbs to make something deadly if he set his mind to it and no one else would be the wiser.

She set her bag down on the floor beside the bed. Opening it, she blew on her bangs and stuck her hand in.

"Accio Ipecac," she murmured.

A bottle that she kept in there for emergencies came into her hand. Witch or not, she had yet to find a better way to get someone emptying the contents of their stomach. Charms just weren't as effective, in her experience anyway. There were some things the muggle way was maybe more disgusting, but in her experience worked better. She needed him to empty his stomach contents.

"All right," she said, getting to work. Something told her worrying about what she looked like after crying for a couple of hours wasn't going to matter much when she was done here tonight.

She used a dropper to administer the Ipecac and her fingers at his throat to get him to swallow. After a few good swallows, she shifted him onto his side so that he wouldn't choke and continued to give him more, mindful of the quantities in each dropper.

Finally, after about twenty or thirty minutes, she got him throwing up. Gross, but it was what needed to happen. She scourgified it every time in case that would be the time he regained consciousness. Somehow, she didn't think he'd like her seeing him like this.

"This was your plan?" she murmured. "Get me mad at you and off yourself when you knew no one would be coming back? Enhanced the drought, too, I bet to be extra potent. You foolish man. Don't you understand the world is better with you in it? Can't you see that? You may not have been beloved like the headmaster was, but you were no less important. And honestly, if people knew half the things about Albus Dumbledore that just I know, they wouldn't love him! If you'd open your mail you likely have piles of witches offering themselves to you. I won't deny that'd piss me off to hell and back, but it's the truth!"

She went to his bathroom once it was evident the Ipecac had done its thing and there were no more stomach contents for him to expel. She found a flannel and a small basin she knew was there from his first few weeks home when he'd been unable to bathe himself in a tub. She filled it with warm water and brought it to his room, and went to work cleaning his face and hair off. She could scourgify the sick, but there were some things soap and water was needed for, too.

"Severus," she whispered. "You promised to show me Jaws , damn it. I want to see why the bloody shark is so popular with everyone to this day. With you!"

She vanished the robe he dressed himself in, shaking her head at the stench from his vomit and his body expelling his waste and urine as he got too close to losing his life.

Again.

How many lives did he think he had?

She checked his vitals to ensure he still had a pulse. She had no idea how long ago he'd taken the potion. Potions? Had he taken any of the Felix Felicis? She used the flannel to clean his body of any residuals and then got up to find clothes for him.

Thank goodness for magic. She was able to redress him without much issue or difficulty.

She'd done everything she could do. The rest was up to his body now, letting him come back. Crooks hadn't left the bed, and she didn't go far herself. 

"Hermione," she heard him say in a hoarse whisper. She exhaled sharply, relief flooding through her. She knew one word didn't mean he was out of danger, but it was certainly a step in the right direction. And better than no word.

"Yes, I'm in your bedroom uninvited. Wake up and scold me or something!"

"Mm," he said.

"That's not the response I was expecting to my basically breaking and entering."

"Wards," he said, swallowing hard, "would let you in even without a key."

"Why?" she asked, scrunching her nose with the question. That hadn't been the response she'd expected. She could've gotten in?

He chuckled. "Ever curious, Witch, aren't you? But, yes, I left house to you in my will."

"Hopefully that won't come to light for many, many years."

"Insufferable," he mumbled.

"Yes, well," she said. "You're here to do all the great things I know you can do, Sir."

"Severus," he whispered.

Oh, that made her heart flip a bit. She really had been afraid she'd ruined everything they'd built. Just to be sure.

"I wasn't sure…"

"I don't make friends address me formally, Hermione."

That statement warmed her in ways she hadn't realized words could accomplish.

"Don't do that again then. I only have so many lives you can scare out of me, and you've already used two of them."

He chuckled.

"Feel like shit," he muttered.

"I imagine that you do. I'll go down and get you some water if there's a cup left for me to put some in."

"You weren't supposed to be the one to find that."

"I'm sorry to have spoiled your plans. You weren't supposed to be sneaky."

"Look who you're talking to."

"I see you, Severus." She set a hand against his cheek. "Can you open your eyes for me?"

She watched as he did as she asked, and she smiled in relief. She imagined most found his eyes disconcerting. Too dark to tell them anything. Once upon a time she had, too. She no longer did after these past months in his company.

"Thank you," she whispered. "Don't scare me like that again. Do you hear me?"

"I will try to refrain."

"Thank you. Now, let me see about some water for you. Maybe some crackers. I think I bought some last week. They weren't part of the casualties?"

"No."

"Good. I'll be back. Don't move!"

He huffed with a scoff. No doubt he wouldn't be able to move right now even if he wanted to.

"Yes, Healer."

She smirked but stood, taking the washbasin and cloth with her. She set them on the kitchen counter to wash and put away later. She found a cup that would work and took out a package of crackers before heading back upstairs.

He would be okay.

She'd been in time.

He'd live to drive her crazy another day. Or, she supposed, he could still fire her.

She transfigured a straw after slowly helping him to sit up so he could sip some water. He said nothing about the fact his clothes were different than the ones he'd been in, thank goodness. Small sips. She wasn't going to let him drink the whole glass.

"You're lucky I felt guilty." Better to be brazen and assume he wasn't going to fire her.

"I know," he said.

That surprised her. That he'd admit that. She thought he'd be more … coy or obtuse about it. Sneaky devil had clearly been planning this the whole time she'd been here. She knew how long Felix Felicis took to prepare.

"I don't like having to sit by your sick bed, you know."

He grimaced.

Quiet as he looked at her. He seemed to be looking for something. She wished she knew what. Was he mad now that she saved him after having a bit to think about it? Did he truly want to be dead? She watched as he swallowed hard, his throat working as he did.

"Will you assist me?"

"With what?" she asked.

"You mentioned developing a potion to aid those suffering the after effects of the cruciatus."

"You want me to help you?"

That surprised her. She wasn't a potions mistress or anything. She supposed her healer training would come in handy.

"If you would. Your healer education would no doubt come in handy, as well as your delving into muggle therapies that may help. You mentioned things affecting newborns. Maybe those things you observed are affecting those older, too. Or maybe those things you observed in the newborns could be useful to give me insight into helping people like the Longbottoms. Muggle upbringing or not, I have spent so long putting magic first, I'm not sure I'm as up on muggle medicines that may help in this endeavour. I'd be hard pressed to find someone I know would take it more seriously."

"I'd be honoured to help you."

"I'm not trying to do that. I mean, I don't want you honoured. You are right, there is no one else living who has survived the cruciatus to the extent that I have so it makes sense. No one who would - or could - assist anyway. Lucius, maybe. There are things I could … contribute yet."

"There are," she agreed. There definitely were. She knew it. He was almost forty-one. He had years, potentially over a hundred of them to contribute so very many things.

"I will see to the kitchen. Do not take it upon yourself to."

"Okay."

"When I've … recovered from this, and we have a moment, you will tell me what you did with your parents. I will also ask you to show me the memories. I would like to view them both via a pensive as well as through legilimency, just to be sure there are no differences. That way I can see for myself what was said and done. I make no promises."

"I'm not asking you to promise anything, Severus."

He nodded then.

"You have done things to my home," he said.

"What? I haven't done anything, Severus."

"You have. It is cleaner, and there are decorative things here that I know I didn't put here. There is a … crystal snake in my kitchen window. And fresh paint."

"Oh, that." She'd seen the snake at a craft fair she'd been at with Ginny and Luna one Sunday. She still wasn't sure how neither witch noticed her buy it. Then, Luna probably knew and just hadn't said anything.

Why was he bringing that up now? She'd expected a tongue-lashing several times over the past months. She wasn't trying to move in or anything. She was just trying to make his house more … homey. Welcoming. A place he'd like so that he would want to heal. So that he would want to live. Environment could affect mental health, too!

"Yes, that. I appreciate your efforts toward making my home seem less cold and unwelcoming. I apologize that it's taken me months to truly notice."

"No need."

"No, there is. That is more than you need to do."

"Well, as I said, there is more to healing than just physical therapy. And I do spend my days here…"

"True enough."

"Will I still?"

"Do you wish to?"

"I'd like to."

"Then yes."

She exhaled. She hadn't ruined everything after all! What a relief. Then, she could come here tomorrow and have him completely change his mind after he'd had time to think on what exactly had just happened here today.

Assuming, she left here tonight. She couldn't, in good conscious, as a healer, leave him after what he'd just done. How close he'd come.

"I have one request."

"Okay?" she asked.

"Please allow me to give you money for food and such."

"Sure," she said with a slight smile.

That was it? It was that easy? No screaming? No throwing her out? No demanding her boss be told how mouthy she'd been?

"Are you sure you're okay?" she asked, unable to refrain.

"You were expecting a different response?"

"Quite different."

"I'm pleased to surprise you."

"I'm glad to be surprised. Are you okay if I go home and get some things to stay the night?"

"What?"

Those eyes she just thought many found unexpressive? They looked absolutely panicked now. Why was he … ?

Oh. She realized what that sentence sounded like. She gave a soft laugh.

"I'm not inviting myself to spend the night as anything other than a healer, Severus. I can't leave you here after finding you unconscious. You do have two extra bedrooms, and the linens are clean in both of them. I've made sure of that. I could probably be talked into letting you go downstairs when I get back so we could watch TV or movies or something."

"That would be agreeable."

"Then I'll be back."

"Hermione?" he said and she stopped at his bedroom door. Crookshanks was rubbing against him and he was petting him exactly as he liked to be pet. Why did that do things to her heart?

"You may apparate in and out of the house."

"Oh," she said, not expecting that. "Thank you. I won't be long. Would you like me to bring back some takeout?"

"No, we can order something later when we're hungry."

Severus Snape having a television and a telephone had thrown her for a loop. He even had a drawer in his kitchen containing local takeout menus. Who'd have thought? She wasn't sure why it surprised her. It just seemed so … common, and he was so very not common.

Her thought as she apparated from his living room? She wondered if his mood would stay this good after fully coming to terms with the fact that she'd stopped him from taking his own life? It was hard to tell with him. She felt so stupid that she checked him for evidence of downers and alcohol, but hadn't once thought of something as simple as a sleeping drought that clearly a potions master would know how to brew with his eyes closed. She'd just expected him to be more … destructive.

Like the kitchen.

Story ©Susan Falk/APCKRFAN/PhantomRoses.com